OBSESSION

I used to be obsessed with David Bowie. Not just interested, not just fascinated, but obsessed. I didn't just like his music or lifestyle, I wanted to understand it and breathe it and everything else. Many people didn't understand this. In fact, for those who didn't like or hadn't heard his music, every time I spoke about him it was like a waste of air. But not for me, because I thought he was amazing. I'd never met the guy, but I felt like I did. And I felt like he understood me too, even though he knew nothing about me. Listening to his songs it was like, 'Wow, that's exactly how I'm feeling.' Any of you who've known me for two years or more will know a lot of this.

The book To Major Tom was written by a life-long Bowie fan, and it is basically a collection of letters he wrote to Bowie over the years. Even though Bowie never replied, the author thought that he understood him. Something about Bowie kept him writing, kept him obsessed. I only discovered Bowie in 2000, but I can empathise with him even though I'm glad to say I never took things to this extreme. When his music asked questions I was desperate to find out the answers, and I took great delighted in understanding the things he sang about. I read 1984 because he sang about it. I bought a vinyl record of Holst's Planets because it influenced him. I got into Iggy Pop and Lou Reed because they collobarated with Bowie. I like bands he influenced, like Pet Shop Boys, Placebo and Depeche Mode. I bought a contact lens to make my eye a different colour to look like his, just like Marilyn Manson did. I don't think I need to go much farther down this track, except to say:

-I named my cat 'Ziggy' after the Ziggy Stardust album
-I owned all his studio albums (30+) and could tell you in which year each was created
-I owned a good number of his films even though some were awful
-I owned many biographies
-I owned Bowie t-shirts
-I talked about him often
-I joined his online community, which included a Bowie email address
-I wrote poetry about him
-I wrote my first university dissertation on his songs
-I dressed up as him on fancy dress occasions
-Seeing him live in 2003 was like a religious experience for me
-I knew the words to every song
-I would listen to his music every day
-I had a Bowie song for probably every significant moment of my life
-I would listen to him every day, my choice depending on my moods
-If I'd have gone on Mastermind, my specialist subject would have been David Bowie
-I even got a tattoo of the above lightning strike (which Marilyn Manson copied on one of his tours)

Obsession is an appropriate word. I took one man I had never met and made him much bigger than he actually is. I made him an idol. My hope was found in his songs, as was my comfort. In fact, many of my emotions found mirrors of themselves within his music and I would always retreat there for 'normality'. I also found myself becoming interested in many of the things he was and even trying some of the things he had done.

But this was not good for me! Enjoying music is one thing, but taking things to this kind of stage is not healthy. When I became a Christian, I carried on doing the same things. It didn't feel wrong, and because I was safe in the belief that Jesus, not Bowie, had saved me and he was more important than Bowie, I thought all was well. This time last year however, I really felt God was telling me I shouldn't keep listening to his music. There is after all place for only one God in my life which is one of the Ten Commandments after all. So I whacked all my books, cds, videos, dvds etc. on E-bay. Most have gone, and others will be car boot-ed. I thought I'd miss it, but I really don't. When we become Christians God deals with us one thing at a time, enabling us to slowly become more like the people we were created to be-slowly more like Jesus. 'Have no other gods before me', said God. You've got it. My hope now is in Jesus Christ. I haven't seen him live, don't have any of his music and haven't named any animals after him, but I am writing a dissertation about him and I do have a book about him that changed my life. He is where I find my strength, he is where I have my meaning, my identity, my all. In my tattoo I have a permanent reminder of the mistake I made when I put so much into something that would ultimately let me down, and in Jesus I have all I need.